Naked in New Zealand

November 15, 2007

This entire trip I’ve been looking for a great place to go streaking.

I keep picturing my buddy Dave’s desktop of this dude running through the green fields of Ireland and I said…I want to be that guy.

Well after a couple days of searching for the perfect location (I wanted a wooden fence, a couple sheep, and endless greenery) we found it. I say we, but I know my girlfriend Sue isn’t going to subject herself to such a thing. At the very least she’ll enjoy a good laugh at my expense.

I roll our futuristic space van into a little parking lot beside a farmer’s field. I didn’t see a farmer in sight so I make my move while Sue stood on the other side with a camera. The wires separating us from the field look easy enough to climb so I put one foot on the top wire and one hand a little further down to keep me balanced.

I’ve never known what it feels like to be electrocuted but, let me tell you, it pretty much feels exactly how it looks.

My hand was FIRMLY grasped around the wire when I felt the jolt. The electricity was enough to catapult me through to the other side.

Directly into a pool of cow manure.

Being covered in cow manure does funny things to a man. And in moments like this it’s either cry or start laughing immediately. I burst into a furious roar of laughter. The best part was that I was now on the opposite side of the electric fence soaking wet from head to toe.

I figure the amount of electricity was designed to stun a dumb sheep. The farmers probably get a better kick out of it when guys like me try to climb over. This might explain why there was no sign. Surely there should be a sign.

I think my last words before I stumbled into poo were “It’s Electric”. But Sue says she didn’t hear me say anything. So it may have come out as what I can only describe as electrified grunt of air. I guess my neck muscles flexing involuntarily didn’t help in producing an audible sound.

In hindsight I should have taken my clothes off right there and gone for the streak. Nothing could been more perfect. But my body was still processing the electricity and my mind was preoccupied with the thought… how long after being electrocuted does a heart attack occur?

I found a gap under the fence so I could crawl through uncharged. I actually gave thought to hopping back over to get the picture I wanted. But Sue, being much more of an adult than I am, talked me out of it. Needles to say, I ended up getting the shot a couple days later

Before all this, I thought nothing was funnier than streaking. But I was wrong. Getting electrocuted while TRYING to go streaking is much much funnier.

(What good is a story without the picture to say it all actually did happen?)

About the Author : Jeremiah McNama (adjacent) is a Canadian traveling around the world for the past year. Back at home in Toronto he’s a copywriter and he writes at http://www.getjealous.com/jer . He also claims to have the whitest rump in all of South Pacific.

The TSM Fall Travel Writing Contest has been organized in association with On The Beach Holidays

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